Showing posts with label Seriously Speaking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seriously Speaking. Show all posts
Friday, 13 January 2017
BODY SHAMING? SEXUAL HARASSMENT? STOP EET!!!!
I have never fought anyone in my life. I am too much of a pacifist. But today, I almost went out of character and because I haven't dissipated that angst, I am now restless.
I walked into the departure lounge of MM1 this morning to check in for my flight back to Enugu and I was accosted by the vilest of creatures.
"Abuja or Enugu, ma?", he said initially. He appeared reasonable but I had had my share of experience with airport touts so I gently declined his offer. However, what he said next, made my blood boil.
"Sister, this your 'shest'"... I walked past him and asked a fellow passenger on the queue if that was for Enugu passengers. Initially, the shock of the statement had me do a double take but I shook it off, pretended not to notice he said that or was it that I was in a hurry that i did not react. Whatever my silence at such an affront meant at that point, he felt emboldened because I noticed he kept following me around and passing uncomplimentary comments about that part of my anatomy while my patience at him waned.
I was on the final check in line when he couldn't seem to help himself any longer and then walked up to me and muttered yet again like a depraved animal he was,"Aunty, I mean it. This ya 'shest'..." This time, I didn't let him finish. My right hand developed a mind of its own and lashed in his direction for a thundering slap. "I will slap the demons from your mouth if you come close to me again!!", I spat angrily,"What sort of animal are you?!" He ducked away from my aim so the slap didn't land on target and he slunk away, drawing stares from other people after him.
No one reacted but I noticed something different about my reaction to him. In the past, I would be the one slinking away in shame and mortification because I have faced all sorts of unsavoury comments from total strangers about my body but today, I was filled with rage. Murderous rage. I would have behaved out of character and slapped that idiot within an inch of his life.
I don't know what this post is setting out to achieve for you reading it but it is cathartic for me. My rage is spent.
It is bad to say stupid things to people on account of some physical flaw or otherwise they may have. No one has the right to make someone else feel what I have felt today and almost everyday of my teen and adult years. Sexual harassment and body shaming is wrong. Totally wrong. Trust me, you can get killed for it.
This nonsense needs to stop. We all need to be better people!!!
We have no idea what these things we say do to people's mind; their psyche. It messes them up. Some even need therapy to get over it long term. Just. Stop. It
Who even dictates what normal body forms are? We shame people for their bodies, their financial status, their educational prowess or lack of it, their faith, their convictions, their way of life, their choice of whom to love. marital status, even mode of child delivery!!!!
When do we stop?
I have chosen to stop hiding in cowardly fashion. I will start giving as good as I get.
That man should be lucky. He did dodge a grenade this morning.
Tuesday, 3 January 2017
On Abuse and Victim Blaming
I have been blessed by wonderful virtual friends that stretch me intellectually and challenge me to stick up for what I believe in. One of such persons is Nkechi Cheery Bianze. Her Facebook post on Victim Blaming for DV victims spoke to me so I decided to put it here with her permission.
I enjoyed it. I know you would too, so here we go...
In the UK, as soon as a victim reports a case of domestic violence, the first thing they do is take the victim and all dependants to a safe place. From lodging in hotels to shelter homes, and then to council flats or rented apartment....depending on the financial capacity of the victim.
While at this, the society do not give you the impression that you have failed. They won't blame you for your plight. They won't tell you that you were rude to your abuser, they won't make excuses for your abuser, you will not be stigmatized if you decide to get divorced from your marriage with your abuser.
The police will not tell you that it's a family issue. They will not ask you what you did to your abuser that made him or her abuse you. They would usually take your abuser away immediately while they keep you safe.
They will also give you the option of whether or not you want to press charges, and this only happens if there's no enough evidence. If there is, the state will press charges, with or without your consent.
In the US and Canada, similar procedures are taken in cases of domestic violence like in the UK. Except that since there are fewer shelter homes and council houses; the abuser will be asked to leave the house for the abused (in most cases), and a restraining order issued immediately.
*** Now let's come back home to NIGERIA***
If for instance a woman reports to the police that she is being abused by her husband, they will tell her that it's a family issue. They will ask her what she did to her husband that made him beat her. They will ask her if she is doing everything right, they will make excuses for the abuser.
If she goes to church, the Pastor will ask her to go and pray, the pastor's wife and elders will ask her to be submissive, the church will not fail to blame her for not being a perfect wife, hence turning the husband into a monster.
If she comes to Facebook, they will ask her to watch war room, and the rest will request for the other side of the story. Because in Nigeria where I come from, by default, the victim gets blamed and the abuser enjoys the benefits of doubt. And we spend more time and energy telling the victim not to overreact than we do telling the abuser not to abuse.
If she goes back to her parents or family, they will offer to help her go and beg her husband, they will tell her not to bring shame to the family by seeking divorce, they will tell her to do it for the sake of the children.
If she goes to the husband's family, they will tell her that they paid her bride price.
If she leaves the abusive husband, the society will mock her for being a divorcee. She will be called a failure for not being able to remain married to her abuser.
And if she goes back to stay put in abuse and she gets killed or marred for life, same society will ask her why she didn't leave before it got to that level.... why she had to die in her marriage, and why she couldn't use her brains.
You see, in the Nigerian society, female victims of domestic violence never win. Whatever they say or do will always be used against them. They are always wrong, it's always their fault, there's always something to blame in the victims. The victim is inherently guilty as charged.
The psychology of the Nigerian woman is nutured to believe that the ability to remain married, even to the most deadly monster is all there is to life. If for any reason you don't get married or remain married, then you are a colossal failure.
This is a mental slavery that many still live in. Not very many have been able to emancipate from such mental slavery.
The ability to emancipate from this mental slavery is not in the level of education nor exposure, it's an inner decision that people get to make at different stages of their lives.
My cousin who has just WAEC to her name, jobless and was fully dependent on ex husband walked away with her 3-month old baby girl, and went back to her VERY POOR parents.
On the other hand, I still know medical doctors, Lawyers, PhD holders and other high earning professionals who are still living and putting up with abusive partners.
With my cousin's poverty, and at the age of 25 (she got married at 23 and got divorced at 25, now 28), she had emancipated from the mental slavery, even before other women who are by far more educated, exposed, richer, and enlightened than she is.
Not until we stop blaming victims, not until we stop shaming single mothers and single fathers, not until we stop preaching the gospel that the ability to be and remain married is the sole reason for the existence of women; more women will keep dying in domestic violence. Because this sermon is what builds up over the years, and gets passed on from generation to generation as our mentality... a "sacred culture", and this is the foundation of the mental slavery most women who continously put up with domestic violence live in.
I enjoyed it. I know you would too, so here we go...
In the UK, as soon as a victim reports a case of domestic violence, the first thing they do is take the victim and all dependants to a safe place. From lodging in hotels to shelter homes, and then to council flats or rented apartment....depending on the financial capacity of the victim.
While at this, the society do not give you the impression that you have failed. They won't blame you for your plight. They won't tell you that you were rude to your abuser, they won't make excuses for your abuser, you will not be stigmatized if you decide to get divorced from your marriage with your abuser.
The police will not tell you that it's a family issue. They will not ask you what you did to your abuser that made him or her abuse you. They would usually take your abuser away immediately while they keep you safe.
They will also give you the option of whether or not you want to press charges, and this only happens if there's no enough evidence. If there is, the state will press charges, with or without your consent.
In the US and Canada, similar procedures are taken in cases of domestic violence like in the UK. Except that since there are fewer shelter homes and council houses; the abuser will be asked to leave the house for the abused (in most cases), and a restraining order issued immediately.
*** Now let's come back home to NIGERIA***
If for instance a woman reports to the police that she is being abused by her husband, they will tell her that it's a family issue. They will ask her what she did to her husband that made him beat her. They will ask her if she is doing everything right, they will make excuses for the abuser.
If she goes to church, the Pastor will ask her to go and pray, the pastor's wife and elders will ask her to be submissive, the church will not fail to blame her for not being a perfect wife, hence turning the husband into a monster.
If she comes to Facebook, they will ask her to watch war room, and the rest will request for the other side of the story. Because in Nigeria where I come from, by default, the victim gets blamed and the abuser enjoys the benefits of doubt. And we spend more time and energy telling the victim not to overreact than we do telling the abuser not to abuse.
If she goes back to her parents or family, they will offer to help her go and beg her husband, they will tell her not to bring shame to the family by seeking divorce, they will tell her to do it for the sake of the children.
If she goes to the husband's family, they will tell her that they paid her bride price.
If she leaves the abusive husband, the society will mock her for being a divorcee. She will be called a failure for not being able to remain married to her abuser.
And if she goes back to stay put in abuse and she gets killed or marred for life, same society will ask her why she didn't leave before it got to that level.... why she had to die in her marriage, and why she couldn't use her brains.
You see, in the Nigerian society, female victims of domestic violence never win. Whatever they say or do will always be used against them. They are always wrong, it's always their fault, there's always something to blame in the victims. The victim is inherently guilty as charged.
The psychology of the Nigerian woman is nutured to believe that the ability to remain married, even to the most deadly monster is all there is to life. If for any reason you don't get married or remain married, then you are a colossal failure.
This is a mental slavery that many still live in. Not very many have been able to emancipate from such mental slavery.
The ability to emancipate from this mental slavery is not in the level of education nor exposure, it's an inner decision that people get to make at different stages of their lives.
My cousin who has just WAEC to her name, jobless and was fully dependent on ex husband walked away with her 3-month old baby girl, and went back to her VERY POOR parents.
On the other hand, I still know medical doctors, Lawyers, PhD holders and other high earning professionals who are still living and putting up with abusive partners.
With my cousin's poverty, and at the age of 25 (she got married at 23 and got divorced at 25, now 28), she had emancipated from the mental slavery, even before other women who are by far more educated, exposed, richer, and enlightened than she is.
Not until we stop blaming victims, not until we stop shaming single mothers and single fathers, not until we stop preaching the gospel that the ability to be and remain married is the sole reason for the existence of women; more women will keep dying in domestic violence. Because this sermon is what builds up over the years, and gets passed on from generation to generation as our mentality... a "sacred culture", and this is the foundation of the mental slavery most women who continously put up with domestic violence live in.
Monday, 2 January 2017
Of Angels and Demons
Someone once told me that experience was a good teacher but that one did not need to go through everything in order to learn. It didn't make sense to me when I heard this but I remember the conversation 5 years later and I can't help but see the truth this person was sharing.
You see, the salon to me is so much more than a place to make the latest hairstyle come alive on my head. It has aslo turned to the shrink's chair, confessional, court, even a provider of fodder for gossip and food for thought. Which was why when I went to the salon on this particular day, I was not prepared for the macabre story I heard.
So, this woman (we will call her Roz) had died, leaving behind three children, aged 4 to 10 years. She was not ill, she did not have an accident. Her husband beat her and she fell from the staircase while running away from his blows. She died later in the hospital from injuries sustained from the beating and fall from the staircase. The worst thing about this story is that she had been warned by her mother and sisters to leave the abusive marriage but she did not heed. She wanted to be a hero and died a coward.
You see, the real victims in this sad story are the children that witnessed this abuse for years. And this leads me to ask, when does it all end? When do you say enough? When does the angel transform into a demon? When does self preservation kick in and you run for your life? Do you even need anyone to tell you to save yourself?
Many of the victims of domestic violence often say the reason they stay is because they are afraid of what people will say and how to start over. I dare say that it really doesn't fly in the face of the obvious. I was once told by a lecturer in school, that self preservation was the first rule of life.
A friend said in a Facebook post I read, that people should learn to walk away when their lives are in danger. I know I have even made similar posts in the past. I mean, animals do it when being chased by predators so why not humans with apparently more intelligence?
We do not need these sort of stories anymore. There are no winners in the end.
Again, do you really need anyone to tell you to flee in the face of terror? Borrow yourself brain today, brethren.
-Your Friendly Health Worker.
So, this woman (we will call her Roz) had died, leaving behind three children, aged 4 to 10 years. She was not ill, she did not have an accident. Her husband beat her and she fell from the staircase while running away from his blows. She died later in the hospital from injuries sustained from the beating and fall from the staircase. The worst thing about this story is that she had been warned by her mother and sisters to leave the abusive marriage but she did not heed. She wanted to be a hero and died a coward.
You see, the real victims in this sad story are the children that witnessed this abuse for years. And this leads me to ask, when does it all end? When do you say enough? When does the angel transform into a demon? When does self preservation kick in and you run for your life? Do you even need anyone to tell you to save yourself?
Many of the victims of domestic violence often say the reason they stay is because they are afraid of what people will say and how to start over. I dare say that it really doesn't fly in the face of the obvious. I was once told by a lecturer in school, that self preservation was the first rule of life.
A friend said in a Facebook post I read, that people should learn to walk away when their lives are in danger. I know I have even made similar posts in the past. I mean, animals do it when being chased by predators so why not humans with apparently more intelligence?
We do not need these sort of stories anymore. There are no winners in the end.
Again, do you really need anyone to tell you to flee in the face of terror? Borrow yourself brain today, brethren.
-Your Friendly Health Worker.
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